How it all began...

Alrightttt. Blog post number ONE. Bear with me as I am still learning what this is all about and what exactly I am supposed to post and how to make the post interesting etc. But I figured the best way to start out this blog journey is to begin, well, at the beginning!

Anyone who knew me when I was younger (before age 16 anyways) knew that I was always a pretty “chill” kid. Longed to do well in school, sports and anything else I took part in. I had what was considered probably a ‘perfect’ upbringing. I have two amazing, loving parents and one sister who I got along with as well as you would expect two sisters who are close in age to get along. I had a ton of great friends, I was involved in a number of sports, excelling in a few of them. I did very well in school, always wanted top marks and top grades, and took pride in any project I did. High school started off all well and normal. I hit puberty at what would be considered a “late age” turning 15, so I certainly had not matured at the same time as all my classmates. But even that never bothered me. I lived my life and did what I loved.

It first happened when I was in grade 11 at 16 years old. To this day I can still remember the morning I woke up with what I now know was anxiety but at the time it was a combination of nausea, upset stomach, inability to focus and dizziness. It was the morning of a presentation I had for world religions class. I never suspected the presentation to be an issue because in the past presenting and public speaking was something that I loved to do. I remember going to school early to set up with my partner and feeling so incredibly unwell, and continuing to feel unwell throughout the presentation. However, almost seconds after we were finished, I felt miraculously better! Again, at the time, I never even put two and two together.

The second major incident was going on my first date ever. I remember when my mom had dropped me off at the movie theater and I had the typical “first date butterflies.” We got our movie tickets, I can even remember the movie it was for; The Illusionist, and we sat down in the back row on the right hand side. It did not take very long for the symptoms to kick in. Within 10 minutes I began to feel extremely warm. I was sweating so much you would think I just ran a marathon. I began to feel so much nausea I was sure I was going to vomit. Trying to act completely cool and nonchalant, I told my date I would be right back I was just going to the bathroom. As soon as I walked in to the bathroom stall the dry heaving began. I tried to be as quiet as possible so no one could hear me, I was so embarrassed. I gave myself a few minutes for the gagging to pass, splashed a little cold water on my cheeks and stumbled my way back to the theater. I think it was fortunate but my date knew that something was off. He asked if everything was okay and I immediately said, “no I am starting to feel very sick I think I need to go home.” He was incredibly understanding and took me outside while we called my mom for a drive home. I remember getting in to my moms car and once again, in almost an instant, feeling miraculously better. Again, I did not put a lot of thought in to it.

I remember a few more significant incidences that took place that started to trigger something in my mind, that something was very wrong. It had gotten to the point where I could no longer write tests in a quiet classroom without having to run out to the bathroom and dry heave. Presenting to my class, something I had loved to do, had become a giant fear of mine. But perhaps the most devastating thing of all, was how it affected my swimming career.

At a young age my parents started my sister and I in swimming lessons. We excelled and were bumped up to a competitive level very quickly. My mom used to tell me that I was easily the smallest kid out on the pool deck yet I competed with kids all older then myself, and I still won. At many swim meets, I was the youngest competitor there and yet still placed in all of my events. I think it was safe to say that I was built to swim. As we got older it was also safe to say I had a lot of promise to pursue a career in swimming, but my sister and I opted out; we both felt as if we were losing a part of our social lives. Having the wonderful parents that we do, they supported our decision. However, upon starting high school, I picked it back up. My parents said I was as good as they remember even though I had been out of the pool for a number of years. It didn’t take long to become one of the first students at my school to qualify for provincial championships. Grade 9 and 10 were great years for my swim career. I won MVP both years and everything seemed to be going great, I felt like swimming was my outlet, it made me feel unstoppable. In grade 11 my world came crashing down. I remember feeling slightly more nervous for my races then I would normally have been, but shrugged off those thoughts and confidently walked to the diving platform. My first race was the 200m freestyle, which I knew was a strong event for me. The buzzer went off and as I dove in I remember losing total focus and my goggles slipped off. The first time in my swimming career this happened. Immediately I felt all of the air rush out of my lungs. I poked my head out of the water to adjust my goggles and continued to swim forward. It did not seem to matter how hard I tried, I could not seem to catch my breath. The first length and the first flip turn I got weaker and weaker. By the third length, I was on the verge of fainting. I stopped at the end of the pool near the spectators and was pulled out of the water by my coach. They laid me down on my back to catch my breath. I remember my whole world was spinning. I remember tears running down my face and I remember that was the day I knew my swimming would come to an end. I remember seeing the look on my moms face when I went to talk to her, she was thinking the same thing I was. Something was very, very wrong and we needed to figure out what.

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Well. I guess my first blog entry was a little long but there you have it. The beginning of my journey. If you look back in your mind to when everything began for you, you may start to notice key moments or key information that stood out. I remember everything vividly and much of the information became key to my future therapy. If you have not done so already, I would suggest making a timeline of when all of your problems began, and try to be very specific in the events. These could come in handy in the future during your treatment process.

Continue to push yourself every day. I promise you and I will get through this healing journey together!