The Whale Call

After my last serious post lets make a funny one. A friend sent me a hilarious meme that reminded me of my good old school days and my fears of sitting in a quiet classroom. At the time I was so anxious and terrified but now that some years have passed I look back on the entire situation and just laugh.

Laughter is one of the best natural medications there is, so I would suggest taking advantage of it as often as you can! As I have learned to be more open about my mental illness I have learned to laugh at it a little more. I understand it may sound bad to say, "Oh depression is hilarious! Eating disorders are so funny!" that is not entirely what I am trying to say. I mean I look back at some of the things that used to scare me and laugh at it; it seems much less scary when its turned in to comedy. You take away a lot of its power and control over you when you can 'make fun' of it. Life is taken too seriously in this modern age which is where a lot of these mental illnesses have derived from. I have PLENTY of examples where laughing at something that scared me had either decreased my panic attack symptoms or even completely stopped the attack right in its tracks! Maybe if we learn to laugh and play a little more just like when we were kids, then we can get rid of some of these issues we some how acquired as adults.

I remember a lot of my anxiety symptoms starting during school. Something as simple as sitting in the classroom listening to the teacher talk became quite difficult for me. And writing tests? That became a total write off (no pun intended?). I had mentioned earlier in my blogs that whenever I got symptoms of anxiety or panic it always directly affected my digestive system, so I would start feeling nausea, upset stomach, all the beautiful feelings of wanting to throw up. My stomach would almost literally start to swell up like a balloon and start making the most insane noises; which made me panic even more. I felt like everyone in the class was starting at me when in reality I really don't think anyone noticed! I would actually have to find moments where my stomach would settle down before I could head to the bathroom because I was sure if I got up from my seat everything would just escape (yes this point is intended to cause some laughter, I am actually chuckling myself even typing it!). At the time it was so terrifying, I would finally run out in to the hall and to the bathroom, take a quick look around to see if anyone else was in there, then jump on the toilet, often diarrhea as well as vomiting. I understand that this is something that happens to everyone, but this was occurring on a daily basis for me, and often multiple times in one day! I was always so afraid of embarrassing myself in such normal every day situations that I could barely even function on a regular school day.

This same issue translated with me to college. My first year at Loyalist College picked up just where I had left off in high school; difficulty sitting in class, unable to write tests, always needing to sit on a desk at the end of the lecture hall or classroom in case I needed to make a super quick exit to the bathroom! The only difference was most of my high school teachers had gotten used to me writing tests in certain areas, that when I had gotten to college I realized that none of my professors would know this, and I was too embarrassed to say anything; I was too embarrassed to admit I had an anxiety disorder. I had a good friend during my year at Loyalist who knew of this but she was the only one at the time. It was not until one day during a fairly large test that one of my professors was aware I was struggling to write comfortably. Again this is a situation where I now look back at it and laugh but at the time I was so devastated. I remember sitting pretty much smack dab in the middle of a lecture hall and I already had an unusually upset stomach that day. We began writing the test and all I could think about was how hot it was getting in that room. I was looking around and seeing everyone very focused on their paper but in my mind I thought "Oh my goodness they are all looking at me I know it, they are all looking and all judging me." Okay, that is just outrageous now that I say it out loud, I am quite sure they had much more important things on their mind then, "why is that girl sweating so much?". I remember my stomach starting to swell up like a balloon; literally, if you looked at my belly it was slowly inflating with air and I could SEE it. I started to get extreme nausea and out of NO where my stomach made the loudest noise I have ever heard, and this one was real; real to the point that when I looked up everyone actually WAS looking at me! Actually, to this day, I can compare the sound of my stomach to that of a Humpback Whale. I am serious, go to youtube, type in Humpback whale sounds, and that is my stomach. Anyways, back to the story, I stood up in the middle of the test, bolted out of the lecture hall and to the bathroom where I proceeded to vomit as per usual. That is where this hilarious meme comes in that my friend had sent me.....

I have a million other funny stories of incidences where my anxiety and panic had put me in terrible situations when it never should have. Now that I look back on it, I wonder why I put so much pressure on myself to be so perfect. Why? I had always been very successful in anything that I attempted that I guess even the idea of failure or 'slipping up' just mortified me. Many know that my swimming career had ended because of this; thankfully I was able to get through school but that was almost ended on a few occasions as well.

If I could go back to myself at that age I would certainly have a few things to say. I would sit myself down, in a nice quiet area so as to make my past self uncomfortable, and say , "Really Julie? Really? I will have you know that 8 years down the road these stories are going to be hilarious, and you are actually going to be so incredibly open about bowel movements and anything else people find embarrassing." I wonder if that would have changed my way of thinking back then? To stop taking everything in life so seriously, learn to laugh at everything a little more; take away the power the anxiety had over me and turn it in to a comedy.

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This short and sweet blog was literally just a supposed to be a breather for everyone, take some time and learn to laugh a little more in life; I feel so much better when I can go out and give someone a good chuckle or put a little smile on their face. Life I said before, stop giving so much power to your mental illness. That power is what consumes us, digs a hole and tosses us in; that same hole that we can never seem to climb out of. But I can tell you that laughter, in whatever form you can get it, will be a big help. Watch a funny movie, hang out with friends who make you laugh, look up hilarious cat videos, whatever you need to keep you smiling my friends!