Am I depressed or just super lazy?

Now, before anyone starts to freak out, the title does NOT make the assumption that everyone who suffers from depression could very well just be lazy. The title literally just refers to myself as historically I am known to be slightly lazy; choosing TV many times over being active outdoors. I mean, I think we have all had moments of laziness which is completely fine as being active 24/7 just isn't humanly possible, however I find that I may be lazier then most.

Depression is definitely a term that is used interchangeably. I mean anyone who has ever been dumped, or fired, or lost a game, or just had a super bad day in general has probably said, "Ugh I am just SO depressed right now. I can't stop crying and I am so sad!" Absolutely, all of those situations really suck! The basic term 'depressed' is defined as 'a person in a state of general unhappiness or despondency'. Clinical depression is defined as something completely different. I am sure we have seen some people get super offended when a 'mentally well' person uses the word depressed to describe how they are feeling, when in fact they are correct in their use of the word. It all depends on the situation being described.

A person who suffers from depression is on a completely different spectrum from someone who has a momentary or acute depressive spell.

Clinical depression; yes, it is as scary as it sounds.

Depression is also a mental illness that can be hard to spot in people. Often, the ones who suffer the most from depression look the happiest. They try so much harder to be happier on the outside because they are unsure of what is really going on in their heads. Do not get me wrong, depression sufferers do certainly cry often, but it is generally in secrecy. There are many, many different symptoms of clinical depression, and they can all range from mild to severe (from MayoClinic):

- feelings of sadness

- crying outbursts for no reason

- feelings of emptiness and hopelessness

- angry outbursts, irritability and frustration, especially over very small matters

- loss of interest in things you once found pleasurable such as sex, hobbies or sports

- sleep changes; insomnia or over sleeping

- constant exhaustion or lack of energy, even small tasks require extra effort

- appetite changes; lack of appetite or over eating

- anxiety and/or restlessness

- thinking, moving or speaking has become slowed

- feelings of worthlessness and guilt, a lot of self-blame

- trouble thinking and concentrating

- forgetful

- frequent intrusive thoughts; thoughts of suicide which can lead to suicide attempts or suicide

- frequent overthinking

- some resort to substance abuse to avoid depressive symptoms and thoughts

- unexplained physical problems; such as overall body pain, back pain, headaches etc

The severe side of depression symptoms will cause noticeable problems in relationships with others and in simple day-to-day activities such as work or basic social activities.

I can attest to many if not ALL of these symptoms.

I was diagnosed officially with depression about 2 years ago when I first began seeing a psychologist. They told me I suffered from anxiety, panic disorder, and as a result of these two, and outcome of depression (in a sense).

Okay, okay hold on, I will back it up a bit and start with the whole 'me being lazy' thing.

When I was younger, just a wee lass, there were a few things I did that sort of signaled my laziness. Don't get me wrong, I was also a super active child, my mom told me I was always on the go, but I also did a few things that were just so lazy that they didn't even make any sense. One of the most hilarious examples was when I was really young and I was supposed to change my underwear, I apparently was so 'lazy' or too busy playing to change out of my undies so I would just put multiple pairs on over top so my mom saw a clean pair. It got to the point where she said I would have like 4 pairs of underwear on at the same time. Also, instead of putting the underwear in the laundry, I was apparently too lazy and just tossed them under my bed. Apparently I would also be up before 6 am every single day, in my little night gown, was too lazy to even grab a blanket, and I would park my carcass in front of the television all morning, draping the night gown over my curled up knees. I mean, from what it sounds like, there are a ton of examples where my slight laziness would show through; I mean either laziness or just too busy playing, either way even in to my teen and adult years, I would say I can still be fairly lazy on certain occasions.

This sort of life long 'laziness/too busy with TV and all things fun', sort of made me question my depression diagnosis. I kept telling myself, well this inability to get out of bed and need to lay around and play Xbox, could that not merely just be a sign of laziness?

I realized that I could not lump all of my activities on the same story line. It was more my thoughts that I needed to focus on that indicated my depression versus my physical habits.

After I had found out that a certain medication my old doctor put me on (Pristiq) was giving me suicidal thoughts, the depression seemed to worsen, and the fact that these thoughts continued even after the medication was discontinued sort of told the psychologist that I had a mild depression in conjunction with my anxiety and panic. My thoughts began (and often still are) revolving around hopelessness: I am never going to get better am I? Why is my life worth living? And the worst thought of them all, what is my purpose?

I remember my crying outbursts started back in college. I had about 2 or 3 where my roommate would come to me the next day and ask me if I was crying in my room; which I would lie about and tell her it was probably my TV. In all actuality, I would be sitting on the floor, absolutely sobbing and I could not figure out why. Back then it did not happen often so I hid it from everyone and pretended it never happened. The past few years they became much more frequent. And currently? Every few days I will just be sitting around, minding my own business, la la la la la, and BOOM. I start sobbing. Why? I don't know! I remember a few weeks ago, I was sitting down, playing a very intense game online on Xbox, and literally within seconds I noticed that their were tears rolling down my face. Within another few seconds, I begin sobbing. You know that really ugly cry that people do when they can't catch their breath? Ya that one. It only lasted a few minutes however. My mind races trying to figure out why exactly I am crying first off, and eventually I cannot figure it out, and resume what I was doing prior to the tears.

**I guess the fact that I am also a hiiiiiiighly over emotional and over sensitive person does not help matters with the tears....anyone who watches movies with me will know this...**

The angry outbursts and irritability over small matters was also another indication of my depression. Now keep in mind this is different then having a short temper, some people just get really easily pissed off, and that is not what my situation is.

One example of my irritability over something small would be the inability to collect my thoughts. Sometimes I will be in the middle of a conversation, maybe even a debate, and I start to lose track of my thoughts or my mind starts to over think and I can not keep track of what I was talking about. My panic starts to sky rocket and I start to become so angry and emotional. For the most part I am able to calm myself down, or make a joke of the situation, but there are times when my mind loses control and I have a mental breakdown. Then the sobbing starts and its just an absolute train wreck from that point on.

The only symptom on the list that I have not experienced (thank goodness) is the substance abuse. I have actually been fortunate enough to actually realize that getting drunk actually enhances my depressive symptoms (well....fortunate to some, unfortunate to others). I will not lie, sometimes it gets in the way, but I guess for the most part it can be good! Back in my college days, my parents often tried to tell me that all my boozing was leading to my anxiety and panic getting worse a few days post night out. Of course, being young, and in college, and in PARTY mode, I completely disregarded what they said and thought "oh come on that is ridiculous". But over the years, the less I drank, the depressive symptoms became more prominent when I did drink. Also, when I say drink, I mean getting obliterated, not just a couple of casual drinks. So now, if I go out, and get very drunk, I am paying for it the following week; not with a hangover, but with my depression. My crying is almost daily, my mental exhaustion is constant, my suicidal thoughts return and my feelings of hopelessness never seem to leave my mind.

And to those depression sufferers who perhaps use alcohol a little more then they should, I can tell you from personal experience that over consumption does not help. You feel great for a couple of hours, but it is only temporary, and the effect of "coming down" from that high are absolutely not worth it. It is something that we, as mental illness sufferers, have to accept. I do understand, not being able to drink with your friends can sometimes be really frustrating. So often I caught myself thinking, "how come they can go out, drink, get hammered, have a blast, deal with a small hangover, do it all over again, and I cannot?" The whole "feeling of missing out" certainly can kick in, but I just tell myself, "my god Julie, if not being able to get hammered is all you have to worry about, what the hell is your problem? Are you seriously upset about that?!" And then I feel really stupid..... (Okay sorry, I sort of went on a personal rant there, but I am done)

*************************************************

I think the most important part for me, to take away from this, is to admit that I do have depression and I am not simply being lazy. By constantly trying to tell myself I am just lazy, I was making it worse and worse for myself, almost giving power to the depression that was not there. Yes, there are times when I am extremely lazy and I just want to lay in bed and watch movies all day, but this is NOT a result of my depression, it is a result of being a human.

Depression is one of the number one killers in our society today. It leads to stress, isolation, other mental illnesses, and in the worst cases, suicides. I can guarantee that we all know someone, or know OF someone, who suffers from depression and I personally know of people who have committed suicide as a result.

If you know anyone who is suffering, or someone who you think is suffering from depression, I urge you to help them. Too often people become offended when the question of depression comes up, but there is nothing to be offended of. It appears that in our modern society, it is more common to have a scale of depression then not! (This is definitely not a good thing). But the sooner that person gets help, the easier it is to manage. You can get help before you are even diagnosed with clinical depression.

To those who feel they may be suffering from depression, please, get help immediately. Never ever be afraid to ask for help. Do not sit there for years like I did and question the hell out of everything that was happening inside your head. Your best bet is to talk to a licensed therapist, counselor, psychiatrist or psychologist. But if none of those are available, just go to your family doctor, they will help you as well or send you to someone who can help you.

And as always, you have me. I will always answer your messages, even if at times it takes me a little time to answer you all back (I apologize, that is actually my laziness sometimes shining through and I need to work on that), I will answer you back.

- Julie's Mental Health Journey