"I am a hypochondriac"

Hilariously, and perhaps ironically, I remember when I was younger all of the "Oh my gosh I am such a hypochondriac" jokes I used to make. Innocent jokes of course, and unknowing at the time that I would actually be saying that FOR REAL as I got older.

For anyone who may not know, hypochondria is defined as "abnormal anxiety about one's health, especially with an unwanted fear that one has a serious disease." Also known health anxiety, "you may believe that normal body sensations or minor symptoms are signs of a severe illness, even though a thorough medical exam does not reveal a serious medical condition," (Mayo Clinic). I had read recently that officially, when you are being diagnosed, they do not even call it hypochondria or health anxiety anymore. They base it on the severity of the symptoms, so its either 'Illness anxiety disorder (mild) or 'Somatic symptom disorder' (severe); however, I grew up with calling it hypochondria so that is what I will continue to call it.

Some of the symptoms of hypochondria are (most from Mayoclinic.org and personal experience):

- being constantly preoccupied with getting a serious disease or medical condition

- taking very minor or normal symptoms and sensations and worrying they are a serious illness

- find little to no reassurance in negative test results or a doctors reassurance

- repeatedly checking your body for signs of illness

- frequently making medical appointments for reassurance or the opposite, avoiding medical appointments for fear of being diagnosed with something serious

- constantly talking about your health or serious illnesses

- having so much distress about possible illnesses that you find it hard to function throughout the day

- frequently searching the internet for answers

I honestly do not even remember when my hypochondria really started, but I do remember my mom always telling me that I was the LAST person she would have ever guessed to suffer from health anxiety. I think a large portion of my hypochondria began because I was constantly searching for a reason to explain my symptoms, I was (and still often am) convinced that everyone is just telling me that I have an anxiety and panic disorder when in truth I have a serious illness everyone is bypassing. What makes it even tougher is that I do actually have irritable bowel syndrome (diagnosed even before I developed a mental illness) and often the anxiety will aggravate the IBS symptoms; in my mind, it is actually just something much worse. It really is a never ending vicious cycle of your mind continuing to bully your body.

I think anyone who knows me well enough is now aware that I suffer from this. I was diagnosed officially by a psychologist and my GP about 2 years ago but I think I had it for longer then that. I find that at least twice a day (minimum) I have to either call someone up, text someone, or calm myself down to convince myself that I do not have a serious medical condition. Example: I recently had a bout of about 3-4 days of a terrible headache; sort of around the eyebrows and behind the right eye. So, to the common man they would look at maybe what happened the last few days to cause this headache. Well, I had just worked 3 midnight shifts at the hospital and I do not sleep very well during the day to prepare for those shifts. I also do not eat or drink enough during the times I do night shifts. I also have a chronic sinus condition and allergies seem to be tough right now. But in my mind, those couldn't possibly be the causes. On about day 2 of this headache, I was almost 100% convinced that I had a brain tumor that was getting larger and beginning to push on the back of my eye. I know right?! You can laugh at me I do not mind! I know it sounds absolutely insane, but at that moment in time, it seems extremely logical and it also seems like it is the only possible answer. I am so convinced in fact that there were a few moments I had the phone in my hand ready to call my doctor to make an appointment to get a CT scan of my brain. A few days later.....the headache went away....and I calmed the hell down, and I then said "oh.....I guess I was just tired". But in those initial moments, there is no convincing me otherwise that I am being unreasonable.

The one symptom I mentioned above: repeatedly checking your body signs for illness, I do this frequently. It was actually one of the first symptoms that I noticed that made me question if I had hypochondria. I find I am constantly checking my pulse; on my wrist, my hand on my chest, but usually fingers on the neck. It has gotten to the point where I will actually ask my friends if I can check their pulse at that moment and then compare it with my own to make sure that it isn't out of the norm. I would say at least 3 times a day (on a good day) I will check my pulse, and on a bad day can be up to about 15 times.

I do other things like check my skin colour frequently, my nail beds to make sure I have oxygen flow, my pupils, my throat and I will even stand up randomly at times and take in really big breaths of air just to make sure that my breathing is normal.

The amount of medical tests that I have had done as a result of my hypochondria is beyond count. I am honestly at the point where I am unsure how many tests were "legitimate" and how many were because I was panicking. This includes blood work, scans, x-rays, physicals, you name it! For the most part, I am told I am as healthy as a horse; but this is another symptom of hypochondria, no matter how many negative test results I receive and no matter how much reassurance I receive from medical professionals, I am absolutely still convinced that they are missing something.

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So I got about half way done writing this blog and I was thinking "okay, I will come back to this later..." (it has now been a few days). Anyways, in the span of those few days, I had a really bad day. I started with a really bad night of sleep, just awful horrible dreams, which often dictates how the rest of my day will play out. I felt so "out of it" for entire day; not in the sense that you are tired but in what those of us with a mental illness can refer to as "derealization" and "depersonalization" (I will be writing a blog about those in the future as well). I felt nauseous and had an upset stomach all day, and for the first time in a very long time I felt as if I was afraid to leave my house. There were about 3 points during the day where I felt as if I absolutely had to go to the emergency room. I had my phone in my hand on many occasions and was getting ready to dial my boyfriends number to take me to the hospital (my parents were away from the day) but I convinced myself, "NO! No, you do not need to go to emergency, you are not dying, you are okay." I was absolutely convinced that I had some sort of disease and I was very close to death. Anyways, needless to say, I felt much better the next day....which leads me to believe that my feelings of "unwellness" the day prior were a result of my anxiety and hypochondria.

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I will attempt to put the mind of a hypochondriac into a scenario for a "normal" mind. If you look outside right now, or walk outside, and you look at the sky, to you its blue; blue with clouds. But someone comes up beside you and says no, the sky is purple, it is just your mind telling you its blue. You look back at the sky and it is still blue, you have no idea what they are talking about with all of this purple nonsense. And no matter how hard you try, you cannot get that sky to turn purple. You get another 5 people coming over to you and saying, yes that sky is definitely purple. You look back up and you can still see only blue! Now you are starting to think you are losing your mind because everyone is telling you the sky is purple but to you its absolutely a blue sky!

For a hypochondriac, no matter how many people tell you one thing (whether it is right or wrong) you can only see one thing in your mind. And no matter how much evidence they present you, you can still only see that blue sky. At that moment, it is the most logical thing in your mind, it makes sense. A tumor seems like the most outrageous and unlikely cause for my headaches, but at that moment in time, it is the only thing I see and the only thing that makes sense to me.

Well, I feel like I have ranted enough about my hypochondria for now. I think for my first blog back in a very long time I will keep it a bit shorter.

But honestly I could easily write up a novel about all of the different things and diseases I have created for myself but that would take an extremely long day. Maybe I should write a novel though......."All of the diseases I thought I had but I don't"....I wonder if it would be a seller?

No I won't....I think that would make it worse for my fellow hypochondriacs!

Thank you all loves, keep your chin up and we will get through all the hardships that life throws at us with leaps and bounds!