Suicide

Alright, I know this is probably a really scary title. I know even the word "suicide" gives me the chills sometimes; and that is totally understandable, it is a very scary word. The act itself is even scarier, and to have the thoughts of suicide, that is the scariest of them all.

Somewhere else on my page I gave the statistics of suicide rates among Canadians, and the numbers were shocking. A direct quote from the Canadian Mental Health Association website is, "Experts in the field suggest that a suicidal person is feeling so much pain that they can see no other option. They feel that they are a burden to others, and in desperation see death as a way to escape their overwhelming pain and anguish. The suicidal state of mind has been described as constricted, filled with a sense of self-hatred, rejection and hopelessness." Sometimes it is impossible to even imagine how someone could reach a state of mind like that. It is human nature, in our DNA and our evolution to survive beyond all costs. Survival is the human species. So when someone is suicidal or having suicidal thoughts, generally it is a complete change in brain chemistry. That is another topic up for debate, the change in hormones and chemicals that lead to suicidal thoughts, but I can tell you, having a background knowledge of human anatomy and the research I have done behind the brain of a suicidal patient, it is very true.

I could go on and on about all of the statistics involving suicide rates in Canada but I will just name the basics. The Canadian Mental Health Association stated that suicide accounts for 24% of deaths among 15-24 year olds and 16% among 25-44 year olds. In modern age, suicide is one of the leading causes of death in both men and women in their adolescence to middle age years. Suicide can literally affect anyone, at any time, at any age. I have found though, from stories I have heard or read, or people I know who have had suicide affect their lives, it is often from the ones you least expect. It is impossible to look at someone and assume they are suicidal or have had suicidal thoughts. In fact, studies show that everyone at least ONE time in their life will have had one suicidal thought. So it is very important not to judge the stigma of suicide.

My story of suicide is actually very common among the mental illness field, much more common then I even expected. Whenever I heard anything related to suicide, or heard of someone committing such a terrifying act, the first thought that always came to my mind was, "how could anyone possibly think like that? How could you ever get to the point you want to kill yourself?" Life is such a precious gift, how could anyone want to throw that away? It wasn't until I myself experienced thoughts of suicide that I realized how horrible it really was, and how you have absolutely no control over it. As most of us on mental illness medication know, there is always a warning label stating that suicidal thoughts are a possible side effect. These side effects are listed in "uncommon" so often we assume it will never happen to us. However, as uncommon as it is, it is still very possible.

In April of 2015 I was placed on a new medication called 'Pristiq'. The family physician I had at the time assured me that this medication was created to have no side effects, being from the same family as Effexor but without any of the terrible symptoms. Immediately, I wanted in on this, it almost sounded too good to be true but at this point I wanted relief in any form I could take it. Now that I look back on it, I really wish that I had put more research in to the medication. About 3 weeks after I started the medication, I had a very disturbing thought pop in to my head; what would happen if I jumped off of my 12 story balcony? WOW. That is a random thought! At the time it was more of a shock then a scare, mostly thinking, what the heck is that all about? Well the answer is, you would die jumping off a 12 story balcony. I shrugged off that thought and continued on my day. About a week later, sitting in my living room next to the balcony, I had that same thought pop in to my head again, this time with visuals. I was visualizing myself standing on the edge of my balcony looking over. This one started to scare me. The next day I remember waking up in my bed and looking out the door to my kitchen and the first thought that came to my mind was what if I got up, grabbed a knife from the kitchen and stabbed myself in the stomach? Okay, things were starting to get very scary now. This thought sent me in to a very strong and long lasting panic attack. Over the next few weeks the thoughts became more frequent and much stronger. I finally went back to my doctor to explain the thoughts and she assured me that it was because I was not on a strong enough dose of the medication and I needed to increase. Being so terrified and helpless, I trusted her completely. I increased the dose of the medication, and the consequences are exactly as terrifying as you would expect. An increase in medication dose merely increased the severity of the suicidal thoughts, so much so that I landed myself in the Emergency room many nights so afraid of my own mind. I was so afraid that I would lose absolute control of these thoughts and carry out the actions that I visualized. The breaking point of my mental illness occurred in June of 2015 when I had a very close encounter of carrying out a suicidal thought. I remember very little of that evening due to the massive rush of adrenaline, exhaustion and mental fatigue. I remember going to bed, already having my normal night time panic attack, and around 4 in the morning the suicidal thoughts of my balcony started to come back, this time in full force. The next thing I remember was being outside on my balcony leaning over the railing, looking down 12 floors. Within an instant I threw myself back inside my apartment filled with tears. I called anyone I could think of and no one was answering. I called my mom who told me to go to the basement of my apartment. I called an ambulance who told me it would be over an hour wait (which I find outrageous) so I took a cab to the Emergency department. By this point a wonderful friend of mine finally answered her phone and came to see me in the Emergency room and waited with me until my mom finally arrived. I spoke to the Emergency Psychiatrist that evening and she immediately told me that the medication I was on was the culprit of these new thoughts, and increasing the dose only made it worse. I remember going back to my apartment the next morning with my mom and when we walked in to my living room we could not believe what we saw. I had my couch and chairs totally barricaded against the balcony door, almost as if to block myself from going outside. I had absolutely no recollection of doing this the night before. This sent me in to an absolute fit of tears. My mind was telling me one thing but my subconscious was telling me another. I learned that day how very powerful the mind is, and I truly know what it is like to be afraid of your own thoughts. Even after I found myself a new family physician, and got myself on some new medication, I still live with these thoughts. The psychiatrist told me that night that unfortunately even though the thoughts were caused by medication, simply stopping the medication will not end the thoughts. So even to this current day I still occasionally suffer from these terrifying thoughts, but I have many more strategies set in place to help me learn to cope with them.

Not long after I started a new medication I decided to do a little background research in to the, what I call, pill from hell 'Pristiq'. I read a number of published studies on the medication and could not believe what I was reading. Ultimately, Pristiq was created by the pharmaceutical company to save money. Big surprise right? The same company that developed the well known medication Effexor was actually losing a lot of money, so they developed Pristiq by removing many crucial ingredients in the medication and topped it off my saying that they "removed all ingredients that would cause side effects". I understand that much of this may sound like the "conspiracy of big pharma" but from someone who personally works in a hospital, and does believe that medication is necessary to an extent, I can tell you it is very real.

There are many other forms of suicidal behavior that may help you indicate if you have a problem that could lead to something much worse. Self harm and self mutilation is a very common one. For some people, self harm is a temporary release of pain. You are causing pain in a different area of your body to relieve that every day pain of your mental illness. For others, self harm comes from pure hatred of themselves, and can ultimately lead to suicide. The Canadian Mental Health Association has also given a list of risk factors for suicide:

--> family history of suicidal behaviour

--> problems with drugs or alcohol

--> a major loss, such as death of a loved one, unemployment or divorce

--> major life transitions or changes

--> social isolation or lack of a support network

--> family violence

-->access to the means of suicide

(image from www.cmha.ca)

See? It can happen to anyone, anywhere.

The most important thing that I can tell you, if you know someone suffering from this or you personally are suffering, never EVER be ashamed, and please, ask for help right away. This is not something that you can handle alone. These thoughts are not something you need to be embarrassed about, and if someone judges you based on this, it simply means they do not know enough about mental illnesses to be making that judgement.

I found a lot of therapy and coping in many ways. One was with my psychologist who I was seeing once a week. We went through different therapies such as exposure therapy and CBT (all of which I will have a separate blog to discuss them in detail).

For now, I just wanted to bring awareness on this topic. I am sharing my story to you all to prove that it can happen to anyone, regardless of your circumstances. If you are experiencing anything like this I urge you to seek help immediately. There are ways to overcome it. If you are in immediate need of help you have a few options. You can call 9-1-1 or go to your nearest emergency department. Also, there is the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention. Every province has a number of centers available if you are looking for help; I would suggest taking a look at their website at www.suicideprevention.ca. You can also always call the Crisis Line at 1-866-996-0991. I can tell you from experience I have called them a few times and they are very wonderful to talk to. You can always email me through this website as well, or if you know me personally, please never hesitate to contact me. Talk to anyone you can. It could be your family members, your friends, your co-workers, your doctor or in group therapy, there is at least ONE person out there who will listen and will help you, I promise.

There are many wonderful quotes that I have heard over the year that have also helped me over come my thoughts. If you ever find yourself having disturbing thoughts on ending your life, write down these quotes somewhere and keep them by your side to read them when you need to:

**"If life is so hard and you want to die, you had better make DAMN sure that the afterlife is better then what you have right now." - my uncle told me this one and that always stayed by me

**"Suicide does not end the pain and suffering, it just passes it on to someone else"

**"The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die."

**"Don't make a permanent decision for a temporary emotion."

**"Don't close your book, just turn the page."

**"There is always a light even at the end of the darkest tunnel."

As I always say, we are going to get through this; together. <3