The Diagnosis

Alright, so I've got a new site, so it may be time for a new blog post! My first bunch of blog posts will basically be a background look in to my diagnosis. I found it very helpful years ago reading other peoples stories online about how they came to their diagnosis; it made me feel A LOT less crazy that's for sure! So at the end of my last blog I had mentioned the turning point for myself was the decline in my swimming career. This prompted my family and I to turn to the doctor now for some help.....(it feels like I am writing the next chapter to my novel, lets pretend then!)

Chapter 2

My mom and I knew that something very wrong was going on in my 16 year old life, something besides typical teenage drama and puberty. We went to see my family doctor about the issue. The first idea that came to his mind was something wrong with my stomach and/or digestive system. This made sense because every time the symptoms would occur it seemed to focus solely on my gastrointestinal tract; nausea, upset stomach, diarrhea etc. My family doctor ordered a barium swallow, upper GI and small bowel follow through test to check out my entire system. All of these fancy words basically mean I swallow some nasty liquids that show up on x-rays (little did I know this was actually the career field I would end up with in the future! Weird eh?). I remember taking the examination like it happened yesterday, and it certainly has given me sympathy to my patients that have to go through the same testing, it is very unpleasant! First it begins with fasting all night, and first thing in the morning you have to swallow a liquid called barium. The best way to describe the taste would be if you crushed up a bunch of chalk and mixed it together with water. I remember the technologist was not the most sympathetic when I struggled to chug down the barium and to this day in my job I always promise myself I would never make any of my patients feel that way. I had to drink about 2 full cups of the liquid. They checked out the upper portion of my gastric system and told me I had to wait for the barium to make its way through my small bowel before they could take more images and finish the exam. Everyone has a different digestive system; some people digest very quickly while others can take hours and hours. Of course I was the one who took hours. After almost 5 hours of waiting the barium finally reached my large intestine and the test was completed. I continued on with my daily life until the x-rays were read by the radiologist and sent back to my family doctor. The results? Negative. Everything looked completely fine anatomically. Great news right? I suppose so, but we were back to the start, what is going on with me? Again my doctor was quite convinced there was something going on with my stomach so he referred me to a specialist; a gastroenterologist located in Kingston. As many of us know, the wait times for specialists can some times be very long, this wait totaled about 6 months. So in those 6 months I just continued to live with the symptoms to the best of my ability.

Finally, the day came when I was able to talk to the specialist. Oddly enough I was quite excited because I thought "okay, I will be able to get some answers and start to feel better!" My mom and I went to the appointment together (my mom was basically my second doctor, she knew every single small detail in my life and knew exactly what was going on and when, it was wonderful to have someone watching over me when I felt like my life was spinning out of control). I remember speaking briefly to a Resident before I saw the Gastroenterologist. He asked me a ton of questions ranging from "When was your last bowel movement?" to "what age did you start having problems with your stomach?" He poked around a little at my belly and went to get the physician. I wish I could remember the name of the Gastroenterologist I saw that day because I will never forget how kind he was. I remember him sitting down and looking at me and the first thing he said was "Julie, I think your stomach and your digestive system is all fine." I remember sitting there thinking, "Are you serious? How!?" And I could see him looking at me knowing that is exactly what I was thinking. Then he said, "Has anyone ever diagnosed you with an anxiety disorder?" I looked at my mom and immediately thought, "Are you kidding me? There is just no possible way that is the issue. There is no way...." The appointment concluded not too long after that and we went home.

All I could think about, over and over again in my head, was the word 'anxiety'. To me, it just didn't make any sense. I never knew anyone with it, I knew nothing about it and I immediately thought this isn't possibly the answer. I mean now that I look back on it, it is not outrageous at all, but even 10 years ago the world of mental health was quite small and quite unknown, so you can imagine how confusing hearing something like this was. I also look back on it now and think wow, I should be pretty fortunate it was not something much, much worse; but it is all relative, at the time I was pretty devastated.

At my next appointment with my family physician, he had now received the report from the Gastroenterologist and we were all on board that I had some form of an anxiety disorder. The next step was, how do we fix this? At the time, my only option, medication. My mom told me that my doctor was quite adamant that I not be on medication, but from my memory he also offered no real alternative. Despite him not wanting me to be on medication, I wanted to be cured immediately, so I chose the quickest route to "get better". He informed us that a lot of the medication was going to be trial and error, everyone reacts differently to all medication. The first one I started with was called "Buspar". I gave each medication a few months of a trial to see if they sat well with me. I ended up trialing through multiple different kinds; buspar, cipralex, paxil etc. Just a quick heads up, this entire process took me past my grade 12 graduation. By this point I would now be in my first year of college at Loyalist, taking Pre-Health, and working my way in to applying for Medical Radiation Technology.

I remember doing well in my classes, being at home still helped me a lot, but I also remember how much I struggled still when it came to test writing or sitting in a quiet classroom. I often had to make sure I was close to the end of the row of desks, or at least sitting in the back row of the lecture hall with no one behind me. If I was not in any of those spots I often would miss the entire lecture, unable to focus on anything except all the noises coming out of my stomach and what people were thinking of me.

Thankfully I made some extremely good friends in that year at Loyalist that really helped me get through that course. They were always so relaxed it seemed, and even when I felt like I was going to die they somehow made me feel calm enough to get through the rest of the day.

Where does this leave me now? Oh right! At the end of my Loyalist year, I was accepted in to the Medical Radiation Program at Cambrian College in Sudbury. YES. SUDBURY. Crazy right? How could I handle being so far away from home for the very first time with all of these issues going on?! Quite honestly I have NO idea what was going on in my head at that time, however, this program is actually very difficult to get in to. There are only a few schools in the province that offer this program and the ones that do take only about 30 applicants per year. So when I received the acceptance letter, I had absolutely no choice, I HAD to go, regardless of all these current health issues. Suffice to say, my parents were extremely worried. They certainly had every right to be. There daughter was struggling just to make it through the day for the past 2 years and now she was going to be a solid 6 hours away with no one to turn to if something happened...

Well I think I am going to stop there for tonight! I will continue with Chapter 3 on another day, sorry to leave you all with this thrilling cliffhanger!

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I guess the best advice I can take away from this blog post would be a few things.

One: Try to find a solid support group for yourself. I sometimes wonder how people manage to cope with these issues alone, and I really do not think that it is possible. Having background support is so important in the healing process. It could be your family, your friends, your teachers, your boss, your doctor, your physiologist/psychiatrist or even outside therapy support groups. Whatever you can find, make them a solid foundation when you feel like things might be falling apart. Never be ashamed to look fall back on someone for help. It does not mean you are weak, asking for help takes strength, and it will help you grow.

Two: Do not jump on the medication band wagon right away. I plan on writing a more in depth blog about medication and the pharmaceutical industry but for now just keep this in the back of your mind. I know you want to get better right away, but be patient....

Thank you all again for reading! Keep on smiling and keep staying positive! I know life can be really tough but if we all work together and support each other, I know we will overcome any obstacle in our way! <3