Let's bring us up to date...

Alright, I will try not to write a novel for this blog to bring us up to date of where I am CURRENTLY in my journey; this way I can actually start writing blogs that are useful to the rest of you!

Chapter 3 (Yes I am still going to do chapters to make myself laugh)

I started my college life at Cambrian College in Sudbury. Oddly enough, someone in my Loyalist program also got accepted into the same program as myself and she ended up becoming my best friend up there for school! Small world isn't it?

I remember being doing very well with residence and living the college lifestyle but I struggled when it came to sitting in class. I was still uncomfortable with all the new people and new classes and new teachers and new city; but this was all to be expected. There were a large number of classes that I was unable to make it through; the professor would start discussing new topics and all I could think of was how hot the classroom was getting. I was sitting with two random people on either side of me, what would they think if my stomach started making noises? What if I got sick and threw up? There were so many what ifs! For the first few weeks it took a lot of energy for me to make it through classes, so I thought it would be best to make my professors aware of my situation. They suggested that I contact the Disability Center of the school to see if they had any options for me to help get through school. They were very wonderful in that center; I do not think I would have made it through school without them. I wrote all of my tests in the Disability Center in my own room where I felt comfortable. They were also the ones who suggested I make an appointment with one of the college physician to discuss a new medication and other options.

The doctor at the college ended up being crucial to my success in this program. The first appointment that I saw him he put me on the medication called Zoloft. I reacted extremely well to it within the first month. Within about a 4 month time span he had bumped my dose up to 150mg of Zoloft and I almost felt as if I was my real self again! I had a boyfriend, I did lots of partying, I was able to sit in class with no problems, I was even able to write a few of my tests in the classroom! College was going very well, it was one of the best experiences of my life.

A year and a half later I started my clinical experience back at home at the Trenton Memorial Hospital. I was able to get through clinical (despite all of the horrible early mornings and all of the school work and studying) and I managed to get a job at the hospital when I was finished! However, after only a few months of working I was getting close to zero hours of work. An opportunity arose when I was visiting friends in Ottawa who went to University here (oddly enough I would say 90% of my close friends lived in Ottawa so this seemed like a sign). Two job positions opened up at two different hospitals here. One was at an adult hospital while the other was at the children's hospital. At the children's hospital, one of my classmates from Sudbury already had a job here so she was able to put a good word in for me. To make a long story short, I was offered a position at the wonderful children's hospital and I gladly accepted. I started my new job in the month of June so not many places were available to live until September, so I was luckily able to sublet off of a friend for two months. I moved there the weekend before my first shift to get everything all sorted out.

Day 3 of my training was another time in my life I will never forget. I remember having a hard time falling asleep that night, tossing and turning aggressively. I decided to go to the living room to watch some TV and do a little yoga. Very slowly I could feel myself getting worse and worse. Around midnight I started aggressively shaking, almost like it was very cold in the apartment even though it was nice and warm out. I started feeling like my chest was extremely heavy, almost like someone had dropped a big boulder on my chest and left it there. I just couldn't seem to catch my breath. It got to the point that I was shaking so bad I could barely walk. I struggled to grab a glass of water from the kitchen, and struggled to splash water on my face in the bathroom. This now took me to 4 AM and I just could not do it anymore; I was certain I was going to die. Thankfully I had an absolutely wonderful roommate who took me to the hospital after I woke her up in distress. She didn't question anything, she just told me to grab my coat and lets go. As I was in the hospital I called my parents who left for Ottawa right away. I emailed my employer to finally tell them about my underlying diagnosis. Over the next few months I had realized that the medication, Zoloft, was no longer doing its job. Sadly, this is the reality with most medications for mental illnesses, unless you consistently keep increasing the dose, it eventually stops working for you.

I have now been at the same hospital for 4 years and I have had many ups and downs with medications and therapy. I trialed 4 more different kinds of medication (which I will make a blog post specifically on my recent experience with medication) and I have no consistently been on 60mg of Cymbalta since April of 2016. This medication seems to be doing the job for now, however in the back of my mind, I know there is the possibility of it quitting in a few years. I have come to a realization that I can no longer rely on medication for the rest of my life, I need to find a more permanent solution.

And that takes me to this current day. I am currently seeing a Naturopath at a Functional Medicine Clinic who is very eager to look for the underlying reason I am having all of this anxiety, and finding a more permanent solution. I am able to continue work at a slower rate, and I am still able to live a fairly satisfying life! I certainly still have many terrible days, but I am still learning. I am always learning. I will probably be learning about this diagnosis for the rest of my life. I have a much more realistic outlook on life now. I will probably always have this condition, but that is okay. Before, I had the idea that I wanted it gone and to give me back my life, to live a life just like all of my friends had. But that just is not realistic. I can still live a wonderful and full life even with my mental illness. Yes, I will have to continue to work hard and yes I will still have many set backs. I will have days where I feel like I am a failure and I have accomplished nothing in my life. But again, how do we grow without hardships? How do you get better if you have never made mistakes? How do you learn to over come difficulties and become stronger if you have never had any?

Ask yourself these questions. Maybe it will change your outlook a little. I am certain there are others out there who have had a similar story to mine, whether it was worse or not, but we are all still in this together. I have been told by so many people that I am the last person they would ever suspect to suffer from anxiety, but just look back and read my story. It is very real and it can happen to anyone.

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Now that my own story is complete I can finally start to write things for you all that may actually help! I have a little more insight in to my recent story that I will open up about in some future topics but this is the gist of it all.

All I am going to end this blog with is a little advice; I know it seems impossible, trust me I have been there many many times. I know sometimes getting better seems like a dream or a fantasy, but it isn't. Unfortunately we hear a lot on the bad stories of mental illnesses, when I believe there are equally as many success stories; and that should be enough to tell you that it is possible. Even if that possibility seems so small, it is very much there, and once you accept and realize that small possibility, it will not leave you.